You will always read this wrong.
Texting and Driving
The don’t text and drive signs on the highways are most likely not seen by their target audience.
Society Swearing
Both adults and children both swear but they both refrain from using these words in each other’s presence because they think each other are offended by it.
Instagram minimalists
“Minimalist aren’t minimalist for the lifestyle, they are minimalist so they can post about the lifestyle” – Henry Masiello
Beds
Beds are just wireless chargers for humans.
Useless Life Hacks
- Popcorn makes great packing peanuts
- Don’t throw away little crumbs on the bottom of the cereal box, combine the different kinds for interesting flavors
- If you can’t remember where you parked your car, tie a balloon to it! If it’s red you might freak some people out
- Don’t use a dirty keyboard! Wrap bubble wrap on it so you don’t get germs!
- When bowling with friends make your second shot better by purposely making your first shot a gutter ball
- If you ever get a bad stain on your carpet, just burn it!
- If your playing tennis and you only have one racket, then when you hit the ball back just slide it over to the other player really fast!
- If you turn a ladder upside down it can be used to climb down things
- Crying in the shower because your lonely is a great way to save money on tissues!
- If you only have three wishes from a Genie than ask for a more laid back Genie!
Random Thoughts (Continued)
- Dogs hear us talk all day but if they bark for more than a minute we tell them to stop.
- If a german landed on the island in WonderWoman and said terrible things about the Allies would she have fought for them?
- Gyms that really want to help you get in shape should make a membership package where you pay every time you don’t go.
- Adds that play in the middle of videos make me hate the product no matter what it is.
- I wonder if anyone has donated blood, then gotten into an accident and received their own blood.
- I never realize how much I take being healthy for granted until I get sick.
- For someone who’s nervous around dogs, saying they only bite if they sense you’re afraid isn’t very reassuring.
- When you put a book open-faced on the floor to save your spot you are using the entire world as a bookmark.
- The reason we don’t see Lamborghini’s, Ferrari’s and other expensive cars in commercials is because the people who can afford them don’t sit around watching T.V. all day.
- Birthday presents are rewards for surviving that year.
- Heck is for people who don’t believe in gosh.
- I can correct autocorrect more than it accurately autocorrects me.
- World records will become a lot less impressive once we travel to other planets.
- Dragons don’t need to brush their teeth because the fire instantly kills any bacteria on them.
Acronyms for Everyone (AFE) is
- Windows Vista: Viruses, Intruders, Spyware, Trojans, Adware.
- CSI: Can’t Stop Investigating!
- FINALS: F#@* I Never Actually Learned S#@*
- BMW: Big Money Waster
- School: Seven/six Cruel Hours Of Our Life
- Bing: Bing Is Not Google
- Class: Come Late And Start Sleeping
- Denial: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying
- Diet: Did I Eat That?
- England: Every New Guy Leaves After 90 Days
- Ford: Fix Or Repair Daily
- France: Friendship Remains And Never Ends
- Haters: Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success
- Kia: Korean Industrial Accident
- Lame: Laughable And Mildly Entertaining
- Life: Living Isn’t Freaking Easy
- Maid: Mother Actually In Disguise
- Math: Mental Abuse To Humans
- BOSS: Built On Self Success
- Swag: Showing the World All your Greatness
Fake Quotes
“If you dont try, you can’t fail.”-Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t treat people badly, I treat them accordingly.”-George Washington
“It’s not just a bad day its a bad life.”-Alexander Hamilton
“Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason is that you are being dumb and make bad decisions.”-You’re annoying roommate
“Life is tough, but so are you.”-Abraham Lincoln
“Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate, things I said.”- President Nixon
“Hey! bad decisions make great stories!”-Famous last words
“Hold my beer watch this!”-Famous last words
“The reason why Monday is the worst day of the week is because, today is not Friday, tomorrow is not Friday, and even the day after that is not Friday.”-Every Student in the World
“I hug people that I hate so I know how big to dig the hole in my backyard.”-The Illuminati
“That’s a horrible idea! Wait, but what time?”-Donald Trump
“The human body has over seven trillion nerves, and some people get on every single one of them.”-Bernie Sanders
“A girl said she would text me when she got home. She must be homeless.”-Gary Johnson
“Your close friends are really just your close enemies.”-Hillary Clinton
“The president hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially because his name is Donald Trump”-Hillary Clinton
“Some people just need a high five, in the face, with something heavy.”-My therapist
“Here’s the thing, i’m a nice person, and if i’m mean to you, you need to ask yourself why.”-Donald Trump
“I’m not a bad guy, i’m just a guy who hits innocent ladies with my car.”-Michael Scott (The Office)
*Not actual or accurate things the people said. Intended for comic humor.
#fakenews
Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts
- Bathtubs are the opposite of boats.
- People use their cell phones so much yet they never make an appearance in our dreams.
- If you are over 30 now, you we born before every living dog in the planet.
- A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
- Wizards and mages smoke long pipes to not risk their beards setting on fire.
- Image reading “DO NOT TOUCH” in braille.
- If your dog understands some human words and you cannot understand any dog barks your dog is smarter than you.
- Fishing would be less popular if they could yell or scream of pain.
- Whenever someone types “etc…” they are just out of examples.
- You think all your thoughts and personality is unique until you choose an account username.
- If in the Harry Potter series combat is based on saying the name of spells at the right time to avoid a block rappers would the most powerful wizards of all.
- The question “Where are you?” probably has never been spoken in sign language.
- If there is a wild dog or rabid animal in a movie they have to train that animal to act untrained.
- The person closest in front of you is the farthest person behind you.
- The most suspicious thing you can bring on an airplane is a parachute.
